I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
