all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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