I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
