I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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