No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
