Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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