Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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