Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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