theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
