the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize