i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
