I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize