Can i not drive my cunt home
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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