I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Randomize
