the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Enjoy the penises
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
