Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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