My liver just broke up with me...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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