your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
