Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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