Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
