I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
