also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
