you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
