great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
