Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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