booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
