she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
