I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
