ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
