There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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