do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Randomize
