This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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