Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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