Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
