how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
