I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
