True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
