i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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