how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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