just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't deserve a penis
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
