so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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