my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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