I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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