never play flip cup with pint glasses
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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