We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
