wat bout pragnant strippers??
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
