God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
