Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
