Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my sisters under your porch take her home
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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