I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
