Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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