She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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