you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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