...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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