end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
