Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
