well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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