well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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