Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize