for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
