Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
