Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
