fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
