1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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