even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
