i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
