before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
